I wanted to share this hilarious experience I had this evening because I think it is VERY familiar to so many people...it just shows up in different ways for different people.
OK, first client in the new office today at 5:30! SO exciting and happy to share the new space...it really came together BEYOND my wildest expectations and everyone has said such lovely things about the space. So, first client in the new space is one of my very first clients going back almost two years now. We were both tickled that she had the first appointment!
Now, setting the stage for the appointment: I LOVE to create the space for the session, I have had this ritual for several months...beautiful lighting, music and candles. The office looked lovely; the space warm and inviting. After the session, I blew out the candles and turned out the lights and walked out to the car with my client. I mentioned that I wanted to double-check the thermostat and bid her good-night and went back in for a second time to check everything again. I know about this "double-checking" thing with me because it has come up before when I am the one responsible for closing up. So, I re-check the whole office and then walk out, lock up the office, lock up the front gate and walk to me car again. I am STILL thinking about those candles...I know they are out, but what if they spontaneously combust because they had been lit just a little while ago. So, back in I go a third time and I fill a cup with water and sprinkle them, just a tad, so that I KNOW the non-existent flame has been doused. I lock the office, I lock the front gate, I get in the car and I am driving out of the parking lot when I make it three spaces down and pull in! AARRGGH, I feel crazy...I just can't pull out...I am laughing at myself and I close my eyes and get quiet and use my coaching tools and prayers, trust and let go...and I STILL can't leave. I think...I am not spending the night here! So, I go in for a fourth time armed with a box from the back of the car and I take all the candles I lit with me! Ah, the relief to the crazy control part of the brain that thinks, well, the candles you lit and blew out can't now re-lit themselves in the office all by themselves because now they will be with ME! OMG, it was really a hilarious and self-revealing experience.
I realize I have had this "fear" of causing an accidental fire for a long time...I just never really saw the whole picture clearly until tonight. This is a great metaphor for what has happened to me the last several years. Life has "set me on fire" and sometimes I am afraid of this awesome power...and that's OK! Because there are equally the times when I am "going up in flames" and I am curious, happy, blissful...when all the candles are burning!
So, am I lighting candles for the next session when I am the last one in the office? You betcha...because at the end of the day, I know I can take those beautiful "simmering just under the surface-I may burst into flames at any moment candles" home with me!
What is "going up in flames" in your life? What is "simmering" just below the surface of all that lovely control?
I like that instead of putting a label on the experience -"Oh I am having an experience of OCD" which was where my mind first took me, you intuited your way to seeing what was happening on a larger stage. Interesting to reflect that the smaller the stage is the easier it is to control. As the stage grows larger we can't control it as much. If the stage gets large enough (Reality just being itself) we can't control it at all.
ReplyDeleteI can identify with the fear of the energy of Truth perceived - sometimes too much for the small world of the separated ego.
On the relative level my driving phobia is a kind of fleeing of strength. I prefer to focus on the spiritual aspects of my Pisces Rising rather than the powerful energy intrinsic to my Leo Sun. It seems that on some level I know that when I fully realize my "false self" I will lose all control and 'fall' into the perceived void of Reality. The separated state is one of continually erecting barriers against Realization. Having the courage to look them in the face and to see through them is a grace. As you said we are all different. My relation to "going up in flames" was manifested in my first viewing of "Pippen". I wanted the drama of "going up in flames". Over time that morphed into the appreciation of the ordinary and the realization that "the pickle jar is cold" is enough. What could be more ordinary?!
What seems to be simmering beneath my control is an awareness of pending 'emergence'. I continue to be faced with 9:11,9:11,9:11 on the clock and Saturday will be 9/11. LIFE! Is there anything like it? Thanks for your sharing, for your openness, for your journey.
Hey there, this sort of thing used to happen to me but now I put my candles in glass jars with lids. I sometimes put sand in them for an oceanie feel or rocks or shells. You will never go through agony again with Apothecary Jars! They will match your beautiful eclectic style which ....I know we share! *wink wink*
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Christinna
Thanks Christinna...you can give me some candle tips when you see the office! Had some more candles on last night and managed to get home! I love the idea of the aporthecary jars! Excellent idea! So look forward to sharing the space...thanks for stopping by to say hello!
ReplyDeleteMary
I agree with the first comment: it's an interesting way to reframe my attacks of doubts and anxieties! (yes, me too, I can go back twice in my house, wondering about the electric heater, the gas, etc). Which reminded me that the first time I moved into my house, we lighted a candle. Then we left to France for 2 weeks and when we came back the candle was still on... I'm not sure what to conclude yet but thanks for offering some food for thoughts!
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