Nice Is A Four Letter Word

There is something about this word... nice that is well, not so nice. Lately, I have used this expression a few times with my girlfriends and it never fails that when I say "nice, now that is a four letter word" they laugh. And well, who doesn't like to make people laugh. But my hunch is, the laugh comes because there is a truth to it that these friends recognize. For years, I made so many choices in my life because it was REALLY important to be liked...really important to be NICE. Little did I know, I who didn't use four letter words because it wasn't...you get it...nice, actually was one big four letter word. Nice has an edge to it, nice has a power that looks for how it can be indispensable to others. Nice takes hostages, keeps scores, remembers, yes indeed, nice remembers. There wasn't much freedom in nice, the definition of a nice girl was narrowly defined and I found myself over the years in the ever-increasing "nice-box." Eventually, nice caught up with me...the time and energy it took to live through this filter literally exhausted me. I spent several years experiencing an unexplained illness. It was a scary, overwhelming time that took nice right off the table. There wasn't the time or energy to keep nice in the forefront any longer...it was a time to focus on myself and what was happening inside. I remember as I went through this illness, I was so afraid I would lose the best part of me. I knew deep inside that my empathy and my caring for others was the best I had to offer and I had confused this with being nice and helpful and taking care of everyone. Well, as I went through this illness and out the other side, I discovered that where "nice" was left behind, kindness took it's place.

Kind...I love this word and the feel of it. I think it has a very different feel and quality than nice. I had found the freedom to treat myself with kindness and compassion that came from the inside...that's where I found kindness..."the nice-nest within." Being nice felt like it came from with-out and was about control and the truth was I didn't feel very nice inside. But kind, truly, I experience that feeling inside. So now, when some says to me, "you are so nice..." I acknowledge their experience but know that I feel the kindness that was expressed coming through me and we both have experienced something special. I was curious about how the dictionary defined nice versus kind and I was interested to see that kind was defined with words like love, benevolent, gentle, mild and nice was pleasing, agreeable, precision, skillful. And there lies the difference...using the "art versus science" metaphor, nice is more exacting, like science and kind, an art.


So many gods, so many creeds,
So many paths that wind and wind,
While just the art of being kind
Is all the sad world needs.

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

When you carry out acts of kindness you get a wonderful feeling inside. It is as though something inside your body responds and says, yes, this is how I ought to feel.

~Harold Kushner

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. The third is to be kind.

~Henry James

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

~Mark Twain

The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own.

~Benjamin Disraeli

Practice Makes Perfect...Really?

There is a perfection theme going on this morning as I sit to write. I have started a few other posts, but I move on to a new page and begin again. This is the third one. The first is called "Nice Is A Four Letter Word" and the second was "Actions Speak Louder Than Words." Now, the third and what will be the post for today is "Practice Makes Perfect...Really?

I am wrestling with perfection at the moment and I am observing so as not to judge myself, and others, and the world from this place of "not perfect." This issue of perfection is coming up as I create a website for my coaching practice. If you have ever created a website, you know how much energy, creativity, skill, and 3000 other adjectives I could use to describe the experience. Now, replace website with "I am working on a book, a marriage, a career, a new recipe or a piece of art" and watch the issue of perfection rise up because my hunch it is has before and it will again. Or maybe you are wrestling with it right now. I am aware that there has been freedom from the tyranny of perfection for a long time now, but it was a place I spent many, many years and it is an all too familiar experience as I sit with it this morning. Because that is what the experience feels like, I am literally sitting next to something that feels solid, has weight and mass, and is masquerading as something real and separate from me. The illusion of perfection, the idea that it is something out there, to be pursued, chased, "practiced after" is very seductive and alluring. It can also literally stop me in my tracks and keep what wants to be expressed from pouring out. In the belief that there is a perfect way to write the website, the way the website will be written is stopped, true creativity and freedom is blocked. There is now much more wisdom in not getting trapped by the illusion of perfection, okay, not getting trapped for very LONG. Because, now it is what is waiting behind the block that I am curious about and not the block itself. The block is the red herring. More and more when I work with clients and observe myself, I realize that we miss so much because of the illusion. We are looking over our left shoulder when all of the action is happening over on the right. I am being guided to go back inside and see/feel/sense the creative energy that has been stopped in its tracks. For instance, there would be those days of getting ready for work and going through the 3 to 5 outfit mornings and knowing all the while that it didn't really have anything to do with the clothes, but something inside. Now, I go inside...so that is what I am working through in this post...why perfection, why now, why about the website? What am I afraid to have seen? My hunch is that as I continue to create a website that feels right to me, it may be too weird, or unique or different for others to understand, not mainstream enough. Well, I have been aware that I am a bit of a hybrid, we all are, human and spirit and that is what wants to be expressed. But I create that on the website and then I pull it down... So the waiting to finish begins, not the waiting to start, the waiting to finish. And then the "weight" comes in the waiting. Yes, that solid mass masquerading as something real and separate comes...the proverbial ball and chain. I am reminded of Martha Beck writing about the dungeon in Steering by Starlight...it is hard to create a website from the dungeon! When I started creating the website, my essential self was creating and writing and sharing and then the social self showed up and I stopped. I lost my way...I literally gave away the vision for the website to countless strangers to decide and well, that's crazy because I can't possibly know what they want...only what I want to offer today. I can feel the energy shifting. The image of a tumor comes to mind and the radiation focused laser-like to shrink the mass, the block to this creativity. That is exactly what this feels like and the radiation is the freedom to create whatever wants to be created and put it out there. Just like this post...there will not be super editing and scrutiny...I will practice with writing and posting and releasing and see what comes from the freedom to write, the freedom to express, the freedom to radiate this light on the masses.

It Was A Long Silent Retreat

I couldn't resist...it seemed like the perfect title since there hasn't been a post since December 5th...I wasn't kidding when I said I was a dilettante blogger! But now, I am no longer silent...

I have so many reflections and observations from the past month, but the one that continues to resonant was this funny thought that floated up during retreat. I loved the retreat by the way...though a "silent" retreat, one is acutely aware of the MP3's that play in one's head minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, looping like a runner on a track...the beauty of the experience is seeing this so clearly, the thoughts are always there, the conversations, the plans, the dreams and this thing called "awareness" is free to listen or be some place else. There is no "making the thoughts go away" just awareness. And after a while, there is a softening, a fondness, and an ease with all the thoughts; a separate peace. There were moments during retreat where I engaged in the struggle with the thoughts and then awareness would arise and I would laugh at the absurdity of the moment...if I were home and I was listening to an actual MP3 recording would I argue, fuss, try to change it or alter it in some way; that would seem foolhardy, it already exists, it has been burned...Ah, burned, imprinted...so the awareness is that thoughts can leave grooves like a worn record. Retreat gives the opportunity to tread lightly in the mind...create some new groovy grooves! I am having fun with the word play and a slight stream of consciousness, so bear with me. I really love the idea of posting on the blog, so I am keeping expectations about the "product" in check so I can have the fun of writing and you, reader, can have the fun of...you get the idea.

Ok, back to the funny thought that floated up on retreat. But before I tell you about the funny thought, I want to tell you a bit about Adyashanti because then the funny thought will make even more sense. Adya, whose name means primordial peace, was the teacher on the retreat. I love Adyashanti. He is a really amazing teacher...spiritual or otherwise. His presence is calming and kind, powerful and free and well, he just make a lot of sense. He is wise and practical, at the same time, and well, I really like the guy. I have a hunch I will continue to go on retreats and read his books...His latest book "The End of Your World" is Adya's "response to a growing need for direction on the spiritual path...more and more people are waking up spiritually and for most of them the question becomes...now what?
Well, this book, a treasured gift from my mother for my birthday, has been an invaluable resource...I went through a powerful awakening in 2006 and I appreciate the candor and observations Adya speaks of in the book. Truly, there is a feeling of "dying into living" and the world ends and something else begins. This is a favorite passage from the book..."I often tell my students that it is necessary to have the courage to question. The courage to question takes real energy. It requires courage to look at something really deeply. It requires focus and attention to look at your underlying patterns, the underlying belief structures of a mental, physical or emotional fixation. If we are being sincere and honest with ourselves, there is an intuitive sense of what we are avoiding. If we can find the capacity to be honest, we'll start to feel in ourselves when we are being called to make effort."
Adyashanti, born Steven Gray, is a spiritual teacher that crosses borders and teaches from a non-dualistic perspective. His website is http://www.adyashanti.org/ Check it out to learn more about this unique spiritual teacher. Here is the funny reflection while on retreat...Adya and his retreats are so unique, I find when describing him to friends that he isn't what one would classically think of as a spiritual teacher...he is modern, has a variety of interests and is funny and very wise and at one point during the retreat listening to this wise, funny man it popped in, a spiritual teacher from my youth...Theodor Geisel...I wouldn't have told you when I was five or 25 or even in November that Theodor Geisel, or better know by his spiritual name "Dr. Seuss" was indeed an unlikey and powerful "spiritual" teacher. Like Adya, simple, wise and funny...some of the greatest awareness came from many of his books...favorites like The Sneetchs with stars on thars, The Grinch, The Lorax, Oh, The Places You'll Go. So Adyashanti and Dr. Seuss, authors, wise men, funny guys, spiritual teachers...no different than physical education teachers, just spiritual education teachers and my hunch is there are lots and lots of "spiritual teachers" around...just take a look around and when you are ready to have the courage as Adya says, "to look at something deeply" then look for that spiritual teacher in the mirror.